Protective Sam

(no subject)

I’m really frustrated by something, and I could use some advice on it, if you’re of a mind.

People accuse me of flirting a lot.  Like, constantly.  There’s two particular friends who bring it up almost every time they see me.  “Ooooh, you were fliiirting”, like we’re all still in grade school.  First, I don’t think I’m flirting.  Second, I’m demisexual and they know this.  Third, they know that I don’t really grasp the intricacies of that form of human interaction, and I am very uncomfortable with that lack of knowledge.  I understand that they’re teasing me, but I’m honestly confused.

This is what I think I’m doing: being friendly and charming, sometimes teasing, sometimes not, depending on the person(s) involved.  I make jokes, I laugh at their jokes, I divulge shallow but personable information, I encourage the same.  You know, all the stuff you do when you’re enjoying the company of another person.  I also cut people off at the knees or refuse to engage if someone gives me the willies.

This is just…getting to know people stuff, isn’t it?  Granted, it often comes out in a particularly Southern manner, which seems to confuse a lot of people where I live, but surely this behavior is normal!  If I’m actually flirting intentionally, I do entirely different things, and it’s usually awkward and strange and generally unsuccessful.  (Which is fine.  Still demisexual.)

Were these people just raised by wolves, or am I doing something wrong?

Protective Sam

Happy Things

  • Waking up while it's dark and watching a beautiful, honey-toned sunrise.  The redwood outside my balcony is glowing.

  • Chocolate chocolate chip muffins for breakfast.

  • Discovering that a) I'm allowed to have more than one library card at a time, and b) the other library network has literally everything related to SPN, because she is also a fan.  And when I called, she reserved everything in one big block for me.  She just has a list and goes through and reserves everything on it.  Is this what they mean by having connections?

  • Good porn first thing in the morning.  (Though, really, people.  Just because a dude wears Saxx underwear doesn't actually mean that he's hung.  It's not like they come with a big dick warranty.)

  • Hackers is now on Netflix.  Ah, my childhood.

Be Nice or Fuck Off

(no subject)

I've tentatively decided this is my icon for my volunteer posts.  We'll see how long that lasts.

Today, I was working with Random Acts of Flowers, where we take donated flowers and arrangements, break them up into new arrangements, and do surprise deliveries to people in hospice, hospitals, weddings, etc.  It's a pretty nice idea.

They had me show up at the hideous hour of 9am, handed me the keys to a Suburban with many warnings that no one likes driving it and that Costco was going to be shitty to me, and sent me on my way to collect donations.  The truck was easy, if a little squashy on the turns.  I figure anything's going to be easy after driving a 24' U-Haul (with trailer) down the 101 from Humboldt to Mountain View.  That was a bitch.

But anyway, Trader Joe's kept me waiting, Whole Foods shoved a piled up shopping cart at me, Redwood City Florists actually loaded the truck for me, and Costco was SUPER FUCKING NICE.  I mean, I called them in advance to make sure they'd have stuff for me, and I did that thing where you act as though they've already cooperated and then, voila, I pulled up and they were charming and sweet and friendly.

I got back to the shop a full hour earlier than their usual donation pickup driver, with no complaints, and a very full SUV, to the utter shock of the coordinators.  They've declared that they want me to do all their pickups for ever and ever amen.  That's when I told them that I used to deliver auto parts for a living, so I was well prepared for both efficient driving and dealing with surly shop owners.  I didn't mind the Suburban at all, until it tried to eat my CD.

Plus, the place feels super queer-friendly.  The director is this beautiful, beautiful genderqueer or butch woman who had the most wonderful wingtips on, and whom I had an instant crush on.  Completely taken, alas, but not immune or averse to light mutual flirting.  Everyone's easy to talk to, they make great coffee, and they're also willing to just let me do my thing without a lot of conversation if it's too early.  I like them all already.
Protective Sam

(no subject)

I did a brave thing today.  I told Ben I want to start seeing other people.

Technically--by the barest margins--we are not in a romantic relationship.  It's awkward and complicated, but we are not "dating".  We don't say I love you, because his other partner has requested that we do not, we don't have dates or romantic getaways or anything like that.  In practical terms, I'm his primary; in romantic terms, she is.

This is all complicated by the fact that I am--before this--mostly monogamous.  I have spent a LOT of time in the past 4 years unraveling what polyamory means to me, how to create more ethical relationships of any kind, and what my needs and desires are for right now.  A LOT.  I was in a really unhealthy poly relationship just before this, and it took me a long time to get past "they did this to me" and move toward "well, that sucked, now let's move on".  I am delighted to say that I am a more mature, responsible, hopefully more ethical lover now.

Incidentally, two books that really helped were The Threesome Handbook and More Than Two.  The former is by Vicky Vantoch, and is about, you guessed it, how to negotiate the delicacies of group sex (which is a FUCK TON harder than it seems, and I'm not always sure it's worth it, especially as it so often becomes a couple with a third person there and someone gets ignored or treated like an accessory).  The latter is about ethical polyamory, especially the idea that no one ever gets to own anyone else, and how relationship hierarchies are inherently dehumanizing and hurtful.  Reading that literally changed my life, to the point that I ended the triad I was a part of, because it was harmful and unethical for all of us.  (To be fair, I can pinpoint more than one thing I was reading at the time that led to this seismic shift in my dealings with other people, and Franklin Veaux and Eve Ensler were just parts).

Ben and I mostly need to discuss how it's going to change things for us in a practical sense.  He doesn't get veto power, and neither of us want that for the other anyway, no matter what kind of relationship we have.  But I do want a real romantic relationship.  I can't have that with Ben.  So I pulled up my big girl panties and told him so.  He was fine with it, just without enough brain power and concentration right now to figure out the practical stuff.

So yeah.  There might be dating in my future!  There might be sex!  There will probably not be sex for a while after the dating.  We'll see.  I don't know if me dating and having sex with someone else will end Ben and me having sex, the loss of which would make me very sad, but I can live with it.

What I really want, at THIS moment, is some excitement, a few dates, good conversation with a nice person I find attractive, who thinks I am also attractive (too many relationships where that was very uncertain).  Flirting. I want some kink, damn it.  (I don't mix my sex and my kink).  Respect, similar views on life, and an equal investment in the relationship we have.  Ideally, the person would not be currently in a poly relationship, or if they are, I get along with their partners.  I WILL NOT be a party to cheating.  And, I'm kind of embarrassed to say, I'd really like a relationship with a guy.
Protective Sam

Happy Things

  • Libraries.  I love libraries, and this is a particularly good one.  I have more books than I'll actually read checked out right now, but whatever. Libraries.

  • I made dinner so tasty last night that Ben has declared I will be making it again and again and again.  Lots.  And it was ridiculously easy.

  • Mostly naked Matt Bomer.  I mean, the guy is so pretty it's unreal.  I feel the same way I did the first time I watched SPN.  I was almost embarrassed to look at Jensen Ackles because wow.  (I always get that way around really beautiful people.  Like the positive version of uncanny valley.)

  • Someone I love got responses about a job, and if all goes well, we could be moving to SF.  I'm trying not to get too excited because they haven't even gotten to the interview stage, but I have wanted to live in San Francisco since I was a little girl.  SoMa or the Mission were my two favored places.  I dreamt I was going to be a lawyer and ride a motorcycle and my leathers would be pale pink, and I would live in San Francisco.

  • Tomorrow I have my first volunteer shift with the flower people.  Here's hoping I can drive a fucking Suburban.

Protective Sam

Library Haul

I really should start keeping an attendant "Books Read This Year" tag, but it's a little late to keep track at this point.  Besides, it'll mostly be fanfic.  (Which might not necessarily be bad, but then I'd have to start rating them and reccing them and I think I'd be not so good at that, or I'd be so excited about the story that I'd babble longer than the word count of the story.  Hmm.  I might do that anyway.  I read a lot of fanfic.)


  • Matter + Form, VNV Nation

  • Judgment, VNV Nation

Protective Sam

(no subject)

I’m watching a Katrina/New Orleans documentary, When the Levees Broke, and it’s breaking my fucking heart.

I knew New Orleans had a history with hurricanes, but I didn’t realize it was so thoroughly interwoven into the culture of the city.  There was Betsy in 1965, Katrina in 2005, there was an even more powerful storm than Katrina back in the 1927, deemed the greatest natural disaster of the US until Katrina slammed its way in.  They started building the levees in 1965, and they stillhaven’t finished them.  (By “they”, I do not mean New Orleans and Gulf coast residents.  I fully believe they’ve been victimized here.  This is political.)

People just go up to the Superdome as a matter of habit, because they know it’s the strongest structure around, the only one capable of withstanding a Category 5 storm.  The people who were around for Betsy–or any of the smaller ones between–just stay home, because they kept everything before, they’ll sustain this, too.  They pray, sure, but they stand.  I cannot imagine living with that fatality and fear.

And they’re rebuilding.  It’s slow, yeah, and they’ve lost most of the outside support, and a lot of the proposed solutions to future storms (because there will inevitably be more) will do things like cut the state in half, or just ignore other parts of the state because they’re too “at risk”.  But they’re rebuilding.   God bless these people.  New Orleans will never die. She’s coming up on her 300-year anniversary. She’ll change, but she’ll never die.

(Unrelated to anything else, I'm noticing a trend.  The white people interviewed for this thing all have that strange, TV, California non-accent.  The black people all sound like I'm taught New Orleanians should sound.  I wonder what that's all about.)

Protective Sam

(no subject)

Library trip!  I, sadly, had to return Jupiter Ascending, and I was so pouty I didn't check out more than two more DVDs.  I did, however, break my library rule: you can't take home more than will fit in your bag.  In my defense, I was using a smaller tote than usual, so Ben let me toss the very small overflow into his carrier.  That was the fun part!  I got to introduce Ben to our library!  And then he reminded me that I can get free museum passes for having a library card.  AWESOME.

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Protective Sam

(no subject)

Okay, I don't know if I just got out of a dungeon or not, but the way Caine talks to Jupiter (in Jupiter Ascending) is so beautiful and thoughtful and submissive.  It's very nice.  I just loved that "May I kill him?"  And the way he says "Your Majesty"--it's as loaded with meaning as "As you wish".  And the restraint he behaves with towards her.  Well, toward everyone, really, but especially her.  He is utterly devoted, and it's not just because she's the queen; it's to Jupiter Jones, and it shows right from the beginning.  I really, really enjoy Caine and how he works.  Beautiful training is a great thing.

(Also, I'm gonna go on record saying that I don't really get Channing Tatum physically, but he can talk to me all fucking day.  That is a great voice.  He could read the phone book and it'd be sexy.)

I still roll my eyes at Balem's lines, even though I LOVE the way he moves.  "I create life!"  Dude, are you Dr. Frankenstein?  What is that.  You sound like you're reading lines from a different, terrible, MST3K-style movie.  The more I watch this, though, the more I really, really like Titus.  I like courtiers, I guess.  He's so...snide.