Protective Sam


A Cat, a Half-Naked Woman, and a Computer

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Protective Sam

That awkward moment when you give in and make peace with the fact that you apparently have a sibling incest kink.  It ain't just Wincest anymore, now it's Connor/Murphy from Boondock Saints.  And when it's a crossover, well, that's just tasty.  I'm still really, really squicked by parent-child incest, but sibling and same-generation stuff I get.

Here's a thing I don't talk about much.  My ex-fiance.  His name was Tim.  I'm one of those oblivious sorts, and had no idea he had feelings for me until one day he pressed a clumsy, sweet, untutored kiss on me.  I'd had sex before, plenty of times, and he was a shy, quick to learn, eager to please virgin, and that turns out to be another kink of mine.  But I think I learned that appreciation from Tim specifically.  It lasted for three months of fumbled groping kisses in the middle of the night, sneaking across the hall into his room, countless hours playing video games and flirting and holding hands under the table.  He was an amazing kisser once he got some control, and one hot day I had my very first orgasm ever, let alone with another person.  It was everything first romances should be, complete with a sunset soundtrack.

You see, the problem was that I lived with Tim and his family, because Tim is my cousin.  Another cousin, Taka, knew, and not only kept our secret but encouraged us.  I think everyone else suspected there was something going on, but probably not everything.  I know when he asked me to marry him and I said yes and we told his parents, it was catastrophic.  I lost my home, I lost my family, I lost my fiance, I lost my church, my job, everything.  And as is not entirely surprising, although very disappointing, I was the only one punished.  Tim got to keep his family and his home and his community.  I got shipped back to California in disgrace.

It took me a long time to get over all of it.  Not Tim so much, though he said some fairly cruel things out of spite there at the very end.  Cruel enough that my sharklike cousin Becky actually called him on it and comforted me.  He got vicious and mean, I went non-verbal for three straight days.  I don't think I ate anything from the last words Tim said to me to the time I got on the plane to come back to California.  I slept a lot.  I grieved.  I sat in this dank, ugly gray pool of pain and sadness and I ached.  I thought about what our lives could have been like, I blamed him for not standing up for me, I blamed me for being willing to give up everything for him with nothing but a naive, fragile promise.  I gave up Juilliard for him!  (Okay, so I still haven't forgiven him for that part).

So I get it.  I fell in love with someone inappropriate, too.  We were two horny desperate teenagers and no one could have foreseen it.  Dean and Sam, nothing but each other and the open road, depending on each other in increasingly intense situations...yeah.  The McMannus brothers--ain't nothing getting between those two, and I have no doubt that it was angsty but ultimately inevitable.  People who move as one unit usually develop attraction for each other.  It's not exactly uncommon.

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If it's any consolation, I've been there as well and I talked about it here and here.

And I know this is probably waaaaay unwanted, but dude, I sincerely and completely respect the way you put yourself out there. Honesty is a huge gift and words are even bigger, so to receive yours all the time is humbling. I know I rarely say anything but I do read; just know that someone in Bumfuck, Oklahoma is a huge fan.

NOT unwanted. Absolutely never unwanted. Thank you. (And I'm just gonna squeak over here, because mutual fannishness, and I respect and admire the FUCK out of you! And you like me back! Eee! Okay, I'm done now.)

And thanks for putting yourself out there, too, and sharing your experiences. That ache gets better, but it never really does go away, does it? I wasn't invited to Tim's wedding, but apparently he's told his wife about us. She seems a very nice person, and once sent me a Christmas card, saying thanks for taking care of him. That was both sweet and awkward, much like it sounds like Nat is. I think you're incredibly brave for going to the wedding, no matter what happened. I don't think I could have. And I'm really glad you had an entourage to help take care of you after.

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